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In laymen's terms, Manic Depression is an affective mental disorder (a mental disorder that affects the emotions). It is also known as Bipolar disorder. Most experts believe Manic Depression is a biological health problem which is caused by chemical imbalances (i.e. serotonin depletion). This is known as the biological or biomedical theory. However, this is only speculation and the actual cause of Bipolar remains unknown. Other theories that enter into the etyology of Manic Depression are: genetic predisposition; continual premature or prolonged exposure to an emotionally abusive environment; uncontrolled anxiety, unconquered addictions; or living in a "fallen", irrational world.
Without effective treatment, a person with Manic Depression will vacillate between a hyper, upbeat, impulsive, extremely energetic, elevated "manic" mood and a downcast, non-functioning, neglectful, and potentially suicidal depressive mood. There is another side to the manic stage besides being "up". When manic one can also be very temperamental, explosive, aggressive, and easily agitated. I have described the "manic" cycle of Manic Depression as being like Jim Carey on Jolt Cola. Concerning the depression cycle of Manic Depression, I have described it as being like Eeyore on downers.
These "mood cycles" of mania (the manic state and depression) vary in intensity and duration. Without proper treatment, a person with Manic Depression will bounce between the two "mood cycles" of being extremely "up" and excessively "down". Some will experience depression for a long time (up to several months) and then they will cross over to the manic phase for an extended time (up to several months). Others, who react like I used to , will "rapid cycle" by going through both extremes on a daily or weekly basis. Last but not least, others may go through an agonizing "mixed stage" of both mania and depression at the same time. I have occasionally experienced these and they are terrible. This "mixed" cycle may last for hours, days, or weeks.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, at least 10% of the population has some form of major "chemical" depression like Manic Depression. That figure represents over 2 million people in this country! Within this group, 61% of those with Manic Depression develop some sort of substance abuse or dependence disorder. In other words, Manic Depression is responsible for over 1 million people in this country who are hooked on drugs, alcohol, or some sort of dependence disorder! As if that's not bad enough, up to 15% of the untreated Manic Depression populaceend up committing suicide. This is absolutely tragic because Manic Depression is a problem which can be effectively treated via counseling, alternative medicine, pharmaceutical mood stabilizers, anti-depressant drugs, and some anti-convulsant medications.
From my "life story", I hope to show you the nature of Manic Depression and the damage it can cause to yourself and others if you don't receive proper treatment.Things started with me early, and I mean early. At around the age of 4, I became aware of a certain feeling that something was different about me. I used to tell my mother that I felt like I was living in "a bubble" while the rest of the world was outside of my "bubble". To me, this awareness was some sort of quasi-clairvoyance about my future vulnerability towards emotional instability, mental illness,and emotional struggles. This feeling of something being "off kilter" within me remained throughout my adolescence, only to be overshadowed by my subsequent development of Manic Depression circa the age of 19 or 20.
When a person has Manic Depression, they develop mercurial and abnormal characteristics. I was no exception to this. Although I have had all of the following traits since I first came down with Manic Depression, there have been definite time periods of marked progression into each abnormal characteristic. One of the first things I developed was something A.T. Beck refers to as "automatic thoughts." These involuntary interjectory thoughts were always of a gross or heinous nature. Not every person with Manic Depression have these thoughts, however, some (like me) do have them. These despicable thoughts started when I was about 19 or 20 (I'm 34 now). An example of one of my recurrent automatic thoughts would be: occasionally when I would be talking with someone (usually a loved one) I would involuntarily "see" their head spontaneously combust, explode, or something disgusting happening to them. These thoughts scared me. I hated and feared them as well. They didn't occur all the time, in fact,they were very random and unpredictable, however, they occurred against my wishes and I wish I never had them. Kay Redfield Jamison, in her book entitled "An Unquiet Mind" shares some riveting personal accounts about automatic thoughts and Manic Depression.
As time went on, I continued to develop further abnormal traits, such as emotional vacillation between two diametrically opposite moods (euphoric or rowdy bliss and extreme depression). In other words, I became the human pendulum. Despite having recurring intense mood swings, I learned to hide them pretty well. Being a GREAT actor is part of one's life with manic depression.
In my family, abnormal was (and still is) the norm, therefore, I was never suspected as being emotionally or mentally ill. Also, I was never in one place long enough for others to find out that I had Manic Depression (my father was in the Army and we moved approximately 21 times in 24 years).
The other traits I began to struggle with a great deal were explosiveness and extreme emotional reactions to minor issues. This also wasn't seen as odd in my family because one parent was/is very emotionally-mentally-verbally abusive and the other parent has a severe drinking problem. Despite effectively pulling a ruse with my family, the abnormal traits I carried created problems with others and cost me many jobs. In addition to all this, I experienced very rapid racing thoughts. I would think at an unusual lightning speed about a "gazillion" things simultaneously at an unbelievable rate. I would constantly find myself doing many things at once, however, I rarely completed anything I started.
Things seemed to settle down temporarily for me when I was 21. I intensely (and temporarily) converted to the Christian faith. This gave me some peace for a while (but not others around me), yet things seem to flare up once again. Despite my Christian faith, I began to greatly struggle emotionally, mentally, personally, and professionally. I continued to wonder what in the heck was wrong with me? I went through several intense "nervous breakdowns." Along life's journey, within the next 3 or 4 years, I had at least three different individuals suggest to me that I had some sort of mental illness. However, I instantly pooh-poohed their suggestions because I thought (at the time) that "a Christian cannot and does not suffer from such things." I quickly put thoughts about having a mental illness out of my mind (the truth can be scary sometimes). I didn't realize at the time that religious/spiritual fanaticism is also a common component of Bipolar illness. If you don't believe me watch TBN or go to a Chraismatic church.
Despite my constant denials, I continued to get worse and worse. I started to have weird thoughts and visions again. I would see things in my head that revolted me and made my skin crawl. What was happening to me? I started to engage in contrary and foolish behavior. I felt like my mind and the very fabric of my soul were being torn and ripped apart by meat hooks. I gradually sunk into a deep personal quagmire of pain, confusion, impulsive spending (which tallied up to $8500), and euphoric ups & agonizing downs.
Then something happened to me. Shortly before my 28th birthday, I met my future wife - Janice. After meeting Janice, I seemed to stabilize for a while. I put my best foot forward (hiding my dark side of course ) and we fell in love. After a year of dating we were married. The Honeymoon was great, but afterwards, the financial debt I brought into our marriage (due to my impulsive spending) caught up with us. After 2 years of striving to keep up with our surmounting bills we were forced into bankruptcy. Unfortunately, our financial problems based on my impulsive spending is a classic example of how untreated Manic Depression can create many difficult, painful problems that won't go away. As of now, 7 years into our marriage and 3 years after bankruptcy, we have not been able to dig out of the financial damage my impulsive spending created. We are surviving on Section 8 housing and food stamps, however, this is not an ideal way to live and I absolutely hate it. My wife and I hate poverty and at times we feel trapped in the gutter. We have hope but life is still tough. I know how Sisyphus must have felt. It's maddening, frustrating, and at times I want to give up but on the other hand I don't want to take any shortcuts. I am one of the few Manic Depressives I know that is not on SSI or receiving Disability checks. I want to earn my income.
Before our bankruptcy, Janice would occasionally notice my inconsistent behavior. After our bankruptcy, my behavior insidiously spun out of control. I no longer took care of myself. I averaged taking a shower about once every two to four weeks. My sleeping and eating patterns became very erratic. I had recurring suicidal thoughts. When I did sleep I had terrifying nightmares. Getting up & out of bed before 10:00-11:30 A.M. virtually became an impossibilty for me (I referred to this as trying to bench press 10,000 lbs.). I occasionaly became delusional. I went through major Existential "angst." I don't know if there is something weird about the age of 33, but the realization that I was going to die hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't know what to do with this realization and I felt cheated. I lost all of my self confidence. I developed a SEVERE problem with profanity & truculence and I walked away from the Christian faith. My wife did not understand my change in personality & behavior and I didn't understand it either. I would also weep involuntarily and I would get very grandiose. All of these things were indicative of my life for the two years before I sought treatment. All the while virtually no one knew what I was dealing with. It was Hell.
Ironically, the day before Janice shared with me what she thought was the source of all my struggles, I had a vivid dream. I dreamt that three big, aggressive German Shepherds were chasing me. In this dream, I tried every trick in the book to shake them. I was able to lose or shake two of them. The third one, the biggest and meanest, I was unable to lose or shake. Right as this nightmarish dog closed in on me and was about to pounce, I woke up. "How symbolic" I thought to myself. Could it be that the dogs in my dream (especially the biggest, meanest one) be representative of my greatest struggles (sexual abuse and lack of self confidence) as well as my secret life with Manic Depression? I thought so and my wife agreed. At this point, Janice gently suggested to me that I probably having been dealing with a mental illness and I should get help (go figure).
Looking at my life, I couldn't deny her suggestion. For example, in the past 13 years I have gone through about 34 jobs. Unfortunately though, even after my wife's suggestion, I put off getting help for about a year. In the meanwhile, both of
us studied about the various mental illnesses and we were fairly certain that I matched all the criteria for Manic Depression. Now the "secret was out." No more excuses. I was humiliated to think I had a mental illness, yet, at the same time
I was alleviated in a way. If I
had an emotional or mental disorder it would explain a lot of things about myself, my chaotic life, and my unpredictable behavior.
Onward to Part 2
